Lessons in Abundance, Agency, and Always Learning
How We Future with Dr. Bonnie Kay (Season 1 Finale!)
Everyone has an origin story, strong influences that shaped the trajectory of their life. Mine happens to be a five-foot-tall force of nature who got her PhD while raising two kids, became a leadership coach before it was a thing, and has been playing competitive golf for five decades, racking up countless tournament wins and nine hole-in-ones along the way.
At 81, she’s still competing. Still winning. Still learning.
For this Season 1 finale of How We Future, I sat down with my fabulous mom, Dr. Bonnie Kay, my first and best teacher in the art of inventing your own future.
My mom didn’t have a roadmap or mentor for the life she wanted: an ambitious mix of a meaningful career, competitive athletics, a thriving family, time for continuous learning. So she invented one, making courageous choices at each inflection point, taking the best from every experience and, as she often says, “leaving the rest.”
This is the spirit of How We Future: actively shaping what’s next through reflection, intention, and courage to create models that don’t yet exist.
From an early age, my mom taught me critical future shaping concepts like understanding your circle of influence, investing in relationships that matter, maintaining an abundance mindset, and always, always staying curious.
Oh, and making sure you have time for golf. Serious golf. The kind of passionate, lifelong hobby that still motivates you to take lessons and hit the practice tee in your ninth decade.
In many ways, Bonnie architected what we would now call a “portfolio life” - she found a way to blend her work and family commitments, while still finding time to win tournaments and tally nine lifetime hole-in-ones! (Yes - 9!).
The Bonnie-isms: Maxims for Making Your Future
Throughout our conversation, I unlace some of my mom’s marquee life philosophies that shaped my understanding of agency and possibility. Here are a few gems:
“Stay above the line.” (h/t to Conscious Leadership Group)
This is a foundational principle that has shaped how my mom approached both her work and her life. Above the line means taking responsibility, staying curious, and choosing learning over defensiveness. Below the line? Blame, denial, and closed-mindedness. Whether coaching Fortune 500 CEOs or navigating family dynamics, Bonnie constantly models what it means to stay in a place of openness and accountability, even when (especially when) things get hard.
“The circle of concern vs. the circle of influence.” (h/t to Stephen Covey)
I have a vivid memory of calling my mom during my first job out of college feeling totally overwhelmed by my job - and life. She listened empathetically to my emotional outpour, asked some questions, and then drew two concentric circles to help me identify areas that were in my control and therefore could influence (the smaller circle), and forces that I couldn’t (the much larger circle). In a world that feels increasingly out of control, this distinction is vital for our leadership effectiveness and general wellbeing. If we spend all our energy on things that we can’t change, we won’t just be unsuccessful, we’ll be personally depleted, or worse.
“The conversation is the relationship” (h/t Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations)
My mom built her entire career on creating safe spaces for hard conversations, modeling psychological safety and vulnerability decades before Brené Brown. She taught me that all work gets done through relationships, and that quality conversations are the medium through which relational bonds and connections are built. Her unwritten book title? The Conversations That Changed Your Life.
“Take the best and leave the rest.”
Whether it’s her professional colleagues, her golfing foursome, her bridge partners - and her own family(!), my mom believes in celebrating people’s unique genius rather than dwelling on what annoys you. “Everybody who I come in contact with and who I choose to be with has their own genius or talent... together we’re a better force.”
“If you like it, buy it in every color.”
This life philosophy, passed down from her mother who was a voracious shopper, captures my mom’s abundance mindset. For my mom, abundance is not really about the material things (though she does give the best gifts), but about approaching life from a place of plenty rather than scarcity. Bonnie is one of the generous people I know. Her philosophy? “One for you, one for me.”
“A mile deep and an inch wide.”
My mom never tried to be everything to everyone. She hates big crowds and always prefers to go for intimate moments and meaningful conversations rather than superficial experiences. No rave parties for my mom…although she did just attend a Grateful Dead cover band concert with my daughter this past summer. She’s still full of surprises!
“Celebrate the good times, because the shit always comes.”
This is a personal favorite of mine, and one that can feel hard to do when the world feels full of challenge and pain. While she carries deep concern for the future ahead, one of my mom’s super skills is her ability to stay in the moment. When I’d get anxious about good things happening, worried the other shoe would drop, my mom reminds me to be fully present for the joy. Challenges are inevitable; savoring wins is a resilient choice.
“Build your life with partners.”
One theme threaded through our entire conversation: my mom has always understood that you can’t do it alone. “Build partners in life,” she would say to me. And I always saw her honoring those partners with deep care and respect. She credits her 60-year marriage to my dad as one built on complementary strengths, fueled with humor and deep respect. As a New York transplant to Philadelphia, she had no family around her, but built her “village” one mentor, one golf buddy, one deep relationship at a time.
Many of Bonnie’s life-long partners became extended parts of my “framily” (Rae Ringel’s term for friends who are family). Loving “Aunts” who showed up for milestone moments, checked in during difficult times, and cooked us delicious homemade meals, which I always treasured, as my mother was not well known for her kitchen prowess. (See note above about honoring everyone’s special genius. As such, my mother also taught me the value of being a “gracious guest”). As a Philly transplant living in California, building a life with partners is a core value I’ve tried to pass on to my daughters.
At 81, Bonnie is still my hero and best friend. She’s my best personal cheerleader, giving me feedback and notes after every episode drop, and enthusiastically sharing with her many friends.
We often say to one another, “Who’s lucky?” And the answer is we are. Abundantly so.
Listen to the full episode to hear more Bonnie-isms, the story of the safety pin diagnosis that ended her therapy career, and why building your own village matters more than having the perfect house.
This is the season finale of How We Future‘s first season. Thank you for joining me on this journey through conversations about agency, possibility, and what it means to shape our futures.
We’ll be back with Season 2 on January 6th with Chip Conley!
Until then, remember: stay above the line and celebrate the good times. And you’re never too old for another golf lesson.
Bravo Lisa, this had to be easy. You represented your Mom perfectly. Don’t think you missed anything about the BonBon, Mightymight that I have known since she was pregnant with you. She spreads her knowledge and joy to all. Lucky Us and Lucky me!!
Just lovely